I haven't been here in awhile. I blame the mild Adult ADD but I felt the need to come back today. I'm going to go off topic for a minute but knowing me I'll find my way back to food or WLS somehow. Today (or rather yesterday since it's after midnight but hey, I'm still up) I turned 39. Let me start by saying I despise my birthdays. Always have since I was a kid. I'm sure a psychologist would love to pick it apart but I honestly don't know why. Some years are better than others but this one was especially hard. I've been horribly emotional all week and this morning was disastrous. I woke up at 1:00 am to find that my adorably evil cat decided to play with the flowers our daughter brought me and spilled the water on my laptop and phone. AHHH Panic ensued. The laptop seems to be okay but the phone was sizzling. It was on it's last leg anyway so I'm not even trying to revive it again. That took a couple of hours to clean up so of course I overslept. Work was the normal drama but I was anxious to just come back home.
Coming home never felt so right. My wonderful husband worked hard all day to make sure I was having a good day. He even raced home to get to the cupcake shop to get me a birthday cupcake (it's a waste of money and carb grams for two WLS post-ops to get a big cake - AND WE'RE BACK ON TARGET) only to find they had sold out for the day and were closed. So we've been sitting here tonight, listening to good music, enjoying each other's company, and talking about life.
A few days ago I received a Facebook birthday wish from an old high school friend. To say we were friends is probably stretching it a little bit but it's the best description of our relationship I have. We chatted off and on most of the day and I realized something that should have hit me years ago - I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, much less way back then. I don't even remember who that 15 year old girl was but I can say the decisions she made had a huge impact on my life. I am stronger, more confident and assertive, more comfortable in my own skin than I remember her being. That 15 year old kid and I do have a few things in common. My best friend from then is still my best friend now. My friends have always been more like family than my real family and they still are. And when I love someone, I love them with everything I have. She did too. So maybe I remember more about her that I first thought. I made fun of my husband when he turned 39 that it was his last thirysomething year. It's not so funny now. I am thankful and blessed that this gentleman took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday because I honestly don't know if I would have spent the last couple of days processing this.
So what is the significance of this epiphany? Well first of all, it's the right time. Since I'm now in my final thirtysomething year, I'm not going to let it go to waste like I have the past several years. There are things I want to do with my life and I don't know if I can get them all accomplished before I get to play with 40 but I'm going to do as many as possible. That scared, confused girl is becoming distant memory and I really like that feeling. I was an obese child that grew up to be an obese teenager and adult, hence the need for gastric bypass surgery. Being an obese teenager is hard. Thankfully I had friends who loved me anyway and I am still friends with most of them now. What I find interesting is that I am the same size now that I was then but it's definitely not the same. I'm sure many, many years of therapy helped with that. I could go on a rant about teenage obesity but I'll save that for another midnight post.
One of the goals I want to achieve in the next year is to get back down to or close to my goal weight. I honestly don't think I could handle it the first time around. If you've had any of the weight loss surgeries, you should have been warned about the psychological effects of this decision. People treat you differently when you are thin than when you are obese, whether they realize it or not. That's hard to comprehend and even harder to respond to. I've learned a lot about myself and about people in the 6 years I've spent gaining some of the weight back. I'm ready to try again and now's the time to do it. This is a "if I knew then what I know now" kind of moment and I have the rare opportunity for a do-over.
39. Wow. I'm good at setting goals for myself, not so good at meeting them. Is 39 going to be my year? I'm going to do everything I can to make it sure that it's successful. Thank you to my new found friend for inspiring me and thank you to my husband for turning this birthday into the best birthday yet. I can't guarantee I'll share my journey but I will try if you'll stick around with me.
Talk to you again soon